You’ll never catch the Assman alive!

Day 201

San Juan Teotihuacan

Somehow I got up, got my car packed and left Valle de Bravo. The question of whether there was any paragliding to be done was unresolved. I didn’t see anyone in the air during the 4 days I was there. I wasn’t in the mood to find out it seemed.

I had no idea where I was going.

I looked at the my Lonely Planet in a vague attempt to at least work out my next destination. Roland had texted me to say he was on the beach with his friend but that was a bit to far to go and then head back to Mexico city after only 2 weeks. I figured I could make it to the pyramids near Mexico City, they had a cheap camp site and it seemed  a good enough idea. My only small problem was getting there, but it didn’t seem to far… Driving in Mexico is easy, navigating is not too bad, but there was only me, and driving and looking at maps isn’t a good idea. I was about to have maybe my worst day in the country…

The first few hours were fine, I followed the road towards the capital intending to avoid it at all costs. 25 million people would be a lot of traffic… I also realised I had another problem, it was Friday. Mexico City has a law, not a bad law either, that restricts cars with the last number on the plate from using the roads for one day a week on a rotating basis. So on Fridays the numbers 0 and 9 were banned. I planned to follow the highways around the capital anyway so I figured I would be ok. As soon as I started getting close to city I became increasingly frustrated in a way I hadn‘t felt before in Mexico. The road signs would direct me to various suburbs but wouldn’t tell me how to get clockwise around the capital. I had to keep pulling over to consult my map which was proving to be reasonably useless, I couldn’t find any of the places on the signs and eventually found myself driving into the city. Not good. I turned around and came 10 miles back out which was a waste of time, then found the toll road and figured that had to take me North and towards my destination. Regretting the 33 pesos it cost me I had found the right road and joined the speedway drivers taking advantage of the comparatively empty road. I figured I would be able to get to the main town to the north of the capital and the carry on to the pyramids but ended up getting off at the next exit.

My map was off scale, I couldn’t find any where on the signs (half of which were obscured by graffiti), I kept trying to steal glances at my map but at one point nearly came off the road and decided I would rather live. I was getting slightly annoyed. I had no idea where I was so drove onto the next sign. I was soon waved over by a police car on patrol. Uh oh. I shook his hand and gave him my licence and then as usual asked if he spoke English. I knew I was in trouble, but I knew also it wasn’t really a big deal. I felt quite justified being in the wrong place at the right time… fix your bloody signs! The cop started going on about the plates and numbers and althought I didn’t know the specifics of what he said I could guess what the problem was right away. I got my dictionary out and replied as best I could to his questions, mostly I said ‘I don’t understand’. After 10 minutes or so of telling him I didn’t want to be there and I was lost he gave me my licence back and told me to keep going and I would get to the pyramids. I asked if I should go back to the toll road once he showed me on my map where I was but he said ‘just keep going’. Maybe this ‘no driving on friday’ law wasn’t that strict after all…

I did another 10 miles or so in thick and fast traffic. I saw a few cop cars  but they didn’t see me. I started to relax… The traffic started to get more stop and go and I pulled up to some lights and a couple of cops were standing there just waiting to bust someone. A fat grey haired codger and his younger, equally rotund companion.  That someone was me. They took my license and I pulled over. They didn’t speak English either but they had a nice tatty folder explaining the law in English, as if I didn’t already know. They told me I couldn’t drive until 10pm, they also mentioned fines and then wandered around trying to find someone who spoke English. I acted as though I was quite happy to wait around until 10pm, I asked if there were any hotels nearby. I figured I wasn’t in any immediate danger of being arrested. I looked at them a bit closer. Were they really police men? They didn’t have guns or handcuffs. They seemed quite reasonable really. They mentioned ‘Multa’ a few times, the Spanish for fine, but I mostly just ignored the word and asked if I could just hang out until 10. After 20 minutes of hanging around the fat older ‘cop’ handed me back my licence and told me to drive around the block and wait until night. It was about 5pm now and I was still miles from San Juan Teotihuacan where the pyramids are…

I got back in my car, turned left to go around the block… and kept going. It felt so wrong to driving away from the cops but after looking at the map I figured I wasn’t actually in Mexico City anymore. With a deep sense of unease I picked my way through the back streets until I was a few blocks away from my second encounter with the cops. I seriously considered implementing the ‘Assman’ card but then figured what was the chances of getting caught again. I got back on the main road and was stopped at the next lights. This time they really were cops and not just part time security guards dressed up as them.

Bollocks!

Of course they didn’t speak English but I guess they didn’t need to. I pulled over and was directed to a side street where a very seriously looking cop did all the talking. He blathered on for ages, I didn’t understand 10% of what he said but I just played it dumb as much as possible. When he used a word a few times I looked it up in my dictionary. He also kept going on about fines. I tried to bore him by asking where I was on the map, an insisting I wasn’t in the capital anymore. I asked about hotels and waiting around, he told me the fine was 4000 pesos. I ignored that and went back to trying to find out if everywhere nearby had the same law. He said he could let me off for 200 dollars. I said I didn’t have any dollars. I got my wallet out and opened it. Happily it had 20 pesos in it. I pointed to the ashtray full of change I had. He didn’t notice the 450 pesos that was sitting on the seat next to me partially obscured by my guidebook and I ignored it, and covered it up whenever I could. If he asked for my passport I would have been screwed because I always keep some cash with it.

He consulted with his colleague. I guessed I was going to be taking a trip to the station… Instead he gave me back my licence, then gave me directions to the pyramids and… gave me a receipt for the fine I just hadn‘t paid ! I drove off quick before they changed their minds!

This is all you have to do if you’re in DF illegally.

I was still deep in Mexico city suburbs though and I didn’t fancy wasting another 20 minutes on cops who may, or may not, get bored with my lack of Spanish. Lets face it if they took my keys and passport I would have no choice but to pay them. And they had guns. It was getting late, I was tired, I just wanted to get to the campsite and go to bed. I knew I was breaking the law but instead of the police enforcing it properly they were just trying to shake me down for some cash and my licence was giving them all the excuse they needed. I felt I had no choice but to go Assman on them.

I pulled over and removed my licence plates.

In New York I had been on the Kenny Kramer tour, the inspiration for Kramer in Seinfeld, one of my favourite shows. In one episode he accidentally gets sent the wrong licence plates which he put on his car. Kenny also sells these along with his T-shirts and mugs. I bought one myself.

I would never dare to do this in the States but I decided I was either going to the pyramids or to jail, I was bored with listening to crooked cops…

Shhh! Dont tell the cops!

I made it to the Pyramids eventually via the most convoltuted route you could imagine, cursing all the way, but I didn’t get stopped again!

Tags: idays, mexico city, highways, sea, seat, cars, lonely planet, road signs, passport, eve, graffiti, excuse, map, pyramids, mexico, s eve

April 4, 2008 | Categories: Mexico 2008 | Tags: 50 pesos, beds, blog, camping, campsite, cards, cars, cop cars, dictionary, eve, excuse, fridays, glance, graffiti, hadn, heap, highways, idays, lonely planet, map, maps, mexico, mexico city, nearby, paragliding, passport, pyramids, road signs, roland, rope, s eve, san juan, san juan teotihuacan, sea, seat, seinfeld, sod, tea, tent, thumb, toll road, traffic, Travel, trousers, vague attempt, valle de bravo, waste of time | Comments Off